Brown Trash

You know there’s something terribly wrong when the person you’re texting or chatting with replies in an awkwardly weird way – stupid, tasteless, and annoying (to a certain degree, at least). They’re the neo-jologs and neo-baduy of the postmodern Philippines. They’re brown trash and they’re everywhere, crawling through the world wide web like some unwanted insect. They conquered poor, helpless Friendster completely and are slowly taking a grasp on dear Multiply. Who knows what site they’ll take over next? Livejournal? Blogspot? WordPress? FACEBOOK? Oh wow. I mean, I used to think Multiply would remain pure.

I’m no stickler or anything, I don’t really care much how people use the darn language, but for someone’s sake, it’s just… dumb and tasteless! Calling them ditzy might even be too classy (haha).

If you want to know if you’re one of them or if you’re interested in telling which ones amongst your friends are, I’ve come up with five ways brown trash talk and corresponding examples.

1. Changing letter cases

“Hi! pWeDe tAU mGinG tXtmaTeS? i’M fROm cAviTe. “

I have no idea about the literacy rate in the Philippines but, I swear, if it isn’t around 2% or something, then it isn’t accurate at all. We all know how many people actually text/write/chat this way. I mean, what’s the point in putting that much effort in pressing the shift button on your keyboard and the asterisk button on your cellphone? Where did this even come from to begin with? Who had the darn thought of shifting from upper case to lower case for every goddamn letter?

It all began in 2003, I think. Oh, that year was horrible. Texting was quickly becoming a trend and courting through text was spreading. Maybe this was how the men in that year showed off. I mean, it IS effort, anyway. Maybe they wanted to show off that they could actually press so many buttons. The sad thing, however, is that they didn’t know those weren’t the RIGHT buttons.

Or maybe they wanted to confuse the girls until they, the girls, helplessly agree to be courted. I think the reason that it’s so annoying lies in the fact that it’s so pa-cute. Masyadong maabubot, masyadong decorated in such a wrong way.

2. Eat na me. Tulog na you?

The less annoying thing about these two sentences is that they can lead to so many interpretations. “Eat na me” means what, exactly? Of course, there’s a great range of vague statements like this in formal language, like “I’m mad” or “they are cooking apples”. But the fun, really, in insulting this is the funny alternative. Does “eat na me” mean “kakain na ko” or “kainin mo na ko”? In the case of “tulog na you”, well, it’s not exactly annoying. It’s just really funny that people ask, “Are you asleep?” to the person they’re talking to. I mean, what reply do you want, “yes”?

Then there’s the more annoying thing about these two: it’s the Filipino version of “Good weather we’re having.” I swear, you know when someone is desperate to talk when they start asking you about food and sleeping, as if these were the only things left to talk about. “Oh, I don’t know what to say anymore. What else can we talk about? Hm? Oh, how about food and sleeping! Sure, that’s really interesting!”

3. Distorting laughter

I don’t really know with you guys but when I laugh, I laugh with sounds close to /hahaha/ or /hehehe/. When I feel evil, then maybe it could be /muhahaha/ or /bwahahaha/. But I swear I never laugh with sounds like /wakekeke/, /wahuhuhu/, /wakakakak/, /bukekeke/, /ahihihi/, etc. /nyehehehe/, /nyahehehe/, etc. are forgivable, since they could be just conjuctions of /nyeh/ or /nyah/ and a normal laughter, which makes sense, because sometimes when we find something funny, we say “ngek” or “nyeh”. But dear Bathala, who in the world laughs with sounds like /wakekeke/! I swear it sounds as if something were clogging your throat. Baka naman na-choke na sila kaka-eat nila ng mga kausap nila? And don’t even get me started with /bukekeke/ and how it sounds like a porn genre.

/jajaja/ and /jejeje/ is an annoying way to express laughter in writing, too. Please. The last time I checked, we aren’t conquered by the Espanols anymore.

4. Obsession with baby-talking

“aku poh si may. kayu poh?”

We’ve all gone through the stage of baby-talking… when we were three. We all used to interchange /oh/ with /ooh/ most likely because we simply liked to sound cute and all… when we were three. We all used to use “po” and “opo” with just about anyone everytime… when we were three. Some of us grow up and learn that with our pubic, facial, and kilikili hair growing, it is no longer fit for us to speak that way. Some of us obtain mental illnesses, like autism or ADD, and are therefore excused to continue speaking that way. Some of us are mute and deaf, and are therefore excused as well.

But some of us grow up, gain hair all over the body, secrete fluids adults secrete, get hard-ons and/or (haha) periods, but never really learn.

5. [thing/s] is/are love

Strawberries are love. Batman is love.

I said the brown trash are the neo-jologs of today. What is scary is that some of them are neo-konyos as well. Just when I thought the rich kids of today will never be as annoying as the neo-jologs, the trend [thing/s] is/are love pops up. My dear Bathala, for these people anything can now be love. “OH! Blogs are love. Spongecola is love. Bamboo is love. OH! Colors are love. Rainbows are love. OH! Happiness is love. Apples are love. OH! Death is love.” I swear, everytime I check for updates on Multiply, I ALWAYS see a motif: something is love. Imagine a kid who hasn’t gone out of home for years and finds everything he/she sees beautiful and sweet and charming and worthy of idolatry and ergo love.

The fallacy here is quite simple in philosophical empiricism. Something cannot be something other than itself. STRAWBERRIES CANNOT BE LOVE! Otherwise, it would be “I strawberry you” from then on for our parents. “Ma, I Batman you.”

It isn’t entertaining or cute in any way. So, please.

~ by dyeisi on August 18, 2008.